To “adult” is a new verb 
coined by the millennials, and it means “to do grown-up things and hold responsibilities, and not cry about it in public – only in the shower”.
Kids have it so easy – they have shows like Sesame Street providing them solid life lessons. I would kill to have a giant-ass yellow bird providing me guidance through song and dance.
Well fear not, my quivering, lost youngling – I will be your feathered creature today. I am here to teach you how to adult!
Tips on How to “Adult”:
- Organize your shit – if your bedroom is a colossal mess, you are failing as an adult. Get your ass to HomeGoods and buy some storage boxes.
- If you have the hots for someone, ask them on a date like a mature ass adult. Don’t play games or jerk them around – otherwise you will die alone.
- Set up a 401K. This is a necessity if you’d like to afford your dentures later on in life. Don’t be that toothless old person who scares little children and puppies/kittens.
- Learn how to cook – how do you think it will go over if you serve a date boxed Annie’s Mac and Cheese? Not well, my friend. Make something that requires a skillet, damnit!
- Drink responsibly – it’s no longer cute or cool to get trashed. And plus, if you haven’t noticed, hangovers are now a near-death experience.
- Don’t constantly vent/rant to others. Newsflash: nobody gives a shit about all your problems, because they’re dealing with their own. Don’t torture someone by unloading all your troubles on them. Go to a therapist – they’re paid to listen!
- Don’t wear sweatpants in public – like, we are not hooligans, okay? It’s only acceptable if you’re making a quick supermarket run to pick up some Ben and Jerry’s, or if you’re trying to communicate to people, “if you talk to me I will literally end you”.
And there you have it! Follow these tips, and you’ll be a bomb ass adult in no time.
🙂
One of the first CD’s I ever owned was Shania Twain’s “Come on Over”. Shania quickly became my hero, and since we both had long brown hair, I convinced myself that I was practically her TWIN!
If you’re cooking dinner for a hot date, and you’re really looking to impress, I suggest making a dish with lobster in it. For example, when Rupert Friend (who stars in Homeland) finally responds to my date request on Twitter, I am going to cook him lobster ravioli in a tomato cream sauce. And then we will get married.
On a daily basis, I deal with the struggle of being a New York Giants fan living in Boston. Few are aware of the turmoil associated with this, and as the Patriots get closer to playing in yet another Superbowl, I feel I must share my harrowing experiences with the world.
out to the grocery store. I SWEAR the cashier purposely charged me double for my Lucky Charms. Oh, the injustice….
I have a co-worker who loves the dating site Hinge. I’m constantly asking him if he’s met any cute girls on “Unhinged” lately, purposely changing the name to be a wise ass.
#NoFilter 