My dream dinner with David Ortiz

You know how during the first week in elementary school, the teacher has you answer questions like, who are the top 5 people you’d like to have dinner with? Well, one of mine is David Ortiz.

For those of you who don’t know him…get out. Don’t read my blog and I despise your very existence.

Okay, for the rest of you….you feel me, right? I think I’d start the conversation off by humbly asking him if I could be his wife. If he’s not down for that, then I would ask if I could at least be his kids’ babysitter….because how cool would that be and I’m sure he’d pay well.

Then I’d ask him for dating advice, whether or not he’s heard from Manny, and what kind of car he currently drives.

bigpapi car

Next, I’d try to make him laugh that Big Papi laugh with a few jokes:

Grace: Why was Cinderella kicked off the baseball team?

David: Why?

Grace: She ran away from the ball!!

big papi laughing

Finally, I would ask him about his life – his experiences, what he’s learned from them, what’s most important to him – and I’d shut the hell up and listen. Because, in all seriousness, David Ortiz is the only person in sports that I have true respect for. There’s a reason he’s become a symbol for the Sox. It’s because he’s proven his loyalty to the team. And he’s the “Big Papi” because he’s always jolly like the Pillsbury doughboy. From the interviews that I’ve listened to, and the way he carries himself as a player and as a person, I feel like he’s someone with a lot of good things to say.

Sure, he demolishes phones every once in a while. But it’s not his fault he has monstrous strength.

Big Papi, if you’re reading this…let’s get dinner.

red sox

An open letter to Grace, from her injured foot

Dear Grace,left foot

The name’s Foot…Left Foot. I am writing to you today to express my displeasure regarding your neglect of me.

Unlike your hair, I am an extremity with feelings. Mine are currently hurt, which has everything to do with the fact that you continue to run, despite the fact that I am injured. I thought the pain which I radiate around your ankle region would put an end to this, but you are stubborn.

I have been in touch with Brain, who has informed me of your reasoning. I understand you have a 5K in a few weeks, and want to be prepared. I further understand that beer is served following this race. Don’t get me wrong, I love beer as much as the next foot. But I would greatly appreciate some tender love and care. Are you ignoring me because I am on the left, and therefore not your dominant side? I am just as important as Right!

You think applying the generic version of Icy Hot muscle rub will fix everything up. Well news flash…it doesn’t do SHIT! I don’t mean to get off on the wrong toe here, but I am quite angry. Mark my words, if you continue to run on the uneven sidewalk, I will increase the dosage of pain you experience.

You have been warned. Seriously…I’m putting my heel down.

Sincerely,

Left Foot

The makings of a good girls weekend

There’s NOTHING better than a girls weekend!

jersey shore

Okay, besides moose hunting with Jonathan Papelbon, of course. But a girls weekend in Maine is a close second. My roommate’s family has a house on the bay up in Maine, so we and a few friends spent our weekend up there. It was wildly successful. The male folk tend to mock “the ladies weekend”, thinking that all we do is paint our nails and take pictures of each other. But PLEASE, it is that and SO much more…

A successful girls weekend always includes chick flicks – this is an absolute must. We watched “He’s Just Not That Into You” and “Valentine’s Day”. Both of those movies star the hunky Bradley Cooper, so naturally we obsessed over him. If you don’t point out every good-looking celebrity, then you’re not viewing the chick flicks correctly.

Girls weekends always include drinks. Namely, wine and mimosas. This is because drinks go hand-in-hand with gossip, which all girls love. Girls weekend also entails playing Drunk Jenga, planning your future wedding, eating Gelato, and sharing your most shameful moment.

taystee

For real, who needs the men? 🙂

Fall in love with fall

Fall is the most wonderful time of the year. This is a scientific fact, according to the all-knowing Google. It makes sense! And there are plenty of reasons why – the obvious of which is that there is pumpkin everything.

pumpkin-pie-520-a

pumpkin beerstarbucks-pumpkin-spice-latte1

Pumpkins are magical and anyone who’s seen “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” knows this to be true.

Speaking of that movie, Halloween is another reason why fall is epic. Unfortunately I’m too old now for trick or treating, but I still dress up. And I’m not talking sexy nurse or sexy flight attendant or sexy moose or whatever. No, I’m talking Alice in Wonderland, Misty (from Pokemon), and Mrs. Jack Sparrow. Last year I was sick and sniffley on Halloween, so I stayed in and handed out candy (2 whole pieces!) to adorable children. But I digress…

Apples also make fall wonderful. My roommate told me recently about a drink she likes to make: hot apple cider with a little bit of Goldschlager in it….cinnamon apple DELICIOUSNESS.

Let’s also not forget about nature, and how beautiful it is in the fall.

fall1

And finally, fall is the only season with an alternative name (Autumn). So take that, summer, winter and spring!!!

😛

Why you should watch The Great Gatsby

If you haven’t seen The Great Gatsby, then your life is lacking. For one, Leonardo DiCaprio plays Gatsby, and hello, he’s a studmuffin.

I could delve into why Leo is a perfect specimen, but instead…reasons why The Great Gatsby is worth your time:

1) Gatsby. It’s impossible not to like him. His love for Daisy is unbreakable and transcending. The sole purpose of his life becomes winning her back. And as Nick Carraway puts it, he has “an extraordinary gift for hope”, something you rarely see. Even after it’s clear that the love between him and Daisy is far in the past, his hope is admirable. We can all learn something from Gatsby.

gatsby daisy

…Also he throws badass parties.

“You’re damn welcome”

2) The Green Light. In the story, it represents something desired that we never truly attain. And we all have our own green lights, right? I’m going to be honest here and admit that Jonathan Papelbon is my green light. Shocking, I know!

green light

3) The special effects. Much of the movie is computer animated, especially the parties.

the-great-gatsby-party

4) The soundtrack. They bring in modern music, but put a 1920’s twist on it…like Beyonce’s “Crazy in Love”. Also, Andre 3000 and Beyonce do a cover of Amy Winehouse’s “Back to Black”. My favorite song from the soundtrack is “Young and Beautiful” by Lana Del Rey.

5) The quotes. Many of the quotes from the movie are straight from the book. And it’s not like the book is a classic or anything….

“Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter – tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther…And one fine morning —

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past”

great_gatsby_ver7_xlg

My new respect for the gym

Well, it’s official. I’m a “gym bitch”. How often have I mocked the wondrous place that is the gym? So often…and I take it all back.

You walk in, and at first it’s a little intimidating. Cause you think, WAIT…all these people are going to see me run like an overweight basset hound?

BASSETT-HOUND-BEACH-FACE

And for a second, going home and eating a pint of Ben and Jerry’s seems like the only logical thing to do. But then the intoxicating scent of sweat and gym mats fills your brain, and you’re like…let’s do this.

So then you go into the locker room. YEAH, there’s a huge locker room and it has showers, even!! So you could leave the gym all fresh and clean like an axe commercial or something.

Then you fill your water bottle up, and the water from the fountain is crisp cold, just the way I like it.

And then you find a machine. Which is almost like being in an amusement park with all sorts of rides, because there are so many different machines to choose from. There are treadmills, ellipticals, stair steppers, bikes, and weight machines to work out different muscles in your body. I wish they would label one “the two-pack machine” because I would head straight for that.

gym

I go on the treadmill of course, because I’m training for a 5K.

I thought it would be awful and boring, but NO!! First of all, there are lots of TV’s to distract you – one even had Triple D on (Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives)! Also, running on a treadmill is much easier than running outside on the sidewalk. I think it’s because the treadmill forces me to keep a steady pace. AND the treadmill tells me how many calories I’m burning. So as that number goes up, I think to myself….

chris-traeger

Then when I’m all worked out, I head back to the locker room. And by that time I’m pretty sweaty, so I imagine that everyone must be looking at me thinking, wow that girl is so hardcore…like Jillian Michaels! And I feel very proud of myself.

So I will continue to “hit the gym”. I even bought spandex workout clothes, so I can be the REAL deal.

🙂

10 reasons you know you’re a TRUE female sports fan

1) Buffalo Wild Wings?? Uhh…you mean HEAVEN???

bww

2) You don’t own any pink sports apparel

cruz

3) And you totally judge girls who do

FOR SHAME!!!

FOR SHAME!!!

4) Nothing gets you more pumped up than a great win

I'd be best friends with those girls

I’d be best friends with those girls

5) And you’ve cried legitimate tears over a tough loss

crying-baby

6) If a friend wants to set you up with a guy, your first question is, “Does he like sports?”

himym

7) You’d love to have your own womancave

8th World Wonder

8) You experience mild depression when your favorite player gets traded

still....stings....

still….stings….

9) You watch “This is SportsCenter” commercials on YouTube just for fun

10) You write poems about epic World Series wins

The following was written in 2007….

Sweet Victory

by Grace Malloy

It’s the World Series,

Game number four.

The Sox have won three,

They have to win one more.

It’s the bottom of the ninth,

The Sox are ahead by one.

Papelbon’s pitching,

He can’t let it in a run.

He gets the first two outs,

My hopes are getting high.

Let’s go, Paps!

Strike him out and make him cry.

The count becomes 2-2,

A win is close in sight.

The Sox have to win this,

They’ve put up such a fight!

Paps throws the next pitch,

and that batter strikes out!!

I can’t contain my excitement,

I jump and I shout.

The Sox players go crazy,

They hug and they cheer.

Then the celebration starts,

They spray champagne and they spray beer.

I watch them party like wild,

This team rocks!

They’re World Series Champs,

My beloved Red Sox!

How I Met Your Father

himym childrenOne day I will sit my angelic, perfectly well-behaved children down and say, kids….this is the story of how I met your father. If I’ve done things right, it’s not going to be especially exciting. Because successful relationships are nothing like what you see on TV. If the story sounds dysfunctional…it is.

The following are a few things that you DO NOT want to be telling your children one day (these are purely fictional, and not based on true events):

  1. Kids, the year was 2013 and I was at a kegger. There was your father, shotgunning his 10th beer.
  2. And then kids, your father did a brief stint in jail.
  3. Kids, your father then told me that Tom Brady was his hero.
  4. Kids, the year was 2013 and your father and I broke up for the 6th time.
  5. And then kids, I gave your father an ultimatum. It was either me or World of Warcraft.
  6. Kids, your father and I started off as friends with benefits.
  7. And then kids, your father told me he hated Jonathan Papelbon.
  8. Kids, the year was 2013, and your father told me he was looking for something “more casual”.
  9. And then kids, your father bought us tickets to a Justin Beiber concert.
  10. Kids, your father was a Dude Bro.

This is not to say that it should be a fairy tale. But if at any point you find yourself in this situation…

How-I-Met-Your-Mother1

… and there’s enough drama to fill up 9 seasons, then re-evaluating the relationship is probably a solid idea.

😛

A night of insoxication

I am rarely spontaneofenwayus. I like to have a plan, know the plan, and if the plan goes off course, I have a meltdown. But every once in a while I do something spur of the moment, and it always pays off.

Last night, in an act of spontaneity, I ended up at the Red Sox game. Growing up, going to Fenway to see a Sox game was a big deal – something we planned and got excited for weeks beforehand. So when my co-worker told me yesterday at work that I should go to the game with him and some friends that night, it seemed out of the question.

But on the way home I thought, what the heck, I’ll go. So I changed into my Sox gear, hopped on the train, scalped a bleacher seat ticket for $20, and met up with my friends. And it might not sound like a huge deal, but it was for me, because it’s not at all the type of thing I typically do.

I was rewarded big time for my impulsiveness. The Sox scored 20 runs, 8 of them homeruns. Big Papi got his 2,000th hit. Everyone in Fenway stood up and chanted “Papi! Papi!”. And they showed him on the big screen and when he lifted his helmet I swear I almost started to cry. I used to watch the big moments on TV, but I got to be there.

And then when Papi hit his second homer later on in the game, everyone stood and chanted again, and you could see him on the big screen with that Big Papi grin on his face and I absolutely loved it.

Here’s what the Big Papi had to say about the night:bos_g_david-ortiz2_mb_300

“I’ve never really seen that many happy faces in the dugout at the same time. It was like lighting a firework. I see everybody happy. It’s like the fireworks just keep on coming”

My life has been built up around this organization, this city [and] these fans,” Ortiz said after Wednesday’s win. “I think that the best thing that ever happened to me was coming to play here in Boston because what I see every day when I get to the field is pretty much what I saw growing up in my country. People love baseball, people live for baseball and as a player, that just gets you going. There’s no way that there’s a day that you don’t feel like coming in and trying to get it doneRead more at: http://nesn.com/2013/09/david-ortiz-keeps-adding-to-red-sox-legacy-says-joining-boston-was-best-thing-that-ever-happened-to-me/

My life has been built up around this organization, this city [and] these fansRead more at: http://nesn.com/2013/09/david-ortiz-keeps-adding-to-red-sox-legacy-says-joining-boston-was-best-thing-that-ever-happened-to-me/

My life has been built up around this organization, this city [and] these fansRead more at: http://nesn.com/2013/09/david-ortiz-keeps-adding-to-red-sox-legacy-says-joining-boston-was-best-thing-that-ever-happened-to-me/

My life has been built up around this organization, this city [and] these fans,” Ortiz said after Wednesday’s win. “I think that the best thing that ever happened to me was coming to play here in Boston because what I see every day when I get to the field is pretty much what I saw growing up in my country. People love baseball, people live for baseball and as a player, that just gets you going. There’s no way that there’s a day that you don’t feel like coming in and trying to get it doneRead more at: http://nesn.com/2013/09/david-ortiz-keeps-adding-to-red-sox-legacy-says-joining-boston-was-best-thing-that-ever-happened-to-me/

“My life has been built up around this organization, this city and these fans. I think that the best thing that ever happened to me was coming to play here in Boston because what I see every day when I get to the field is pretty much what I saw growing up in my country. People love baseball, people live for baseball and as a player, that just gets you going. There’s no way that there’s a day that you don’t feel like coming in and trying to get it done”

“Our fans support this ball club better than anyone else that I have seen and getting this done, especially here at home, it was one of those things that you will never forget about. I will keep that in mind how everybody was on their feet when I got the 2,000th hit”

What an incredible game to be at.

🙂

My life has been built up around this organization, this city [and] these fans,” Ortiz said after Wednesday’s win. “I think that the best thing that ever happened to me was coming to play here in Boston because what I see every day when I get to the field is pretty much what I saw growing up in my country. People love baseball, people live for baseball and as a player, that just gets you going. There’s no way that there’s a day that you don’t feel like coming in and trying to get it doneRead more at: http://nesn.com/2013/09/david-ortiz-keeps-adding-to-red-sox-legacy-says-joining-boston-was-best-thing-that-ever-happened-to-me/