How to Be an Adult

To “adult” is a new verb kid adultcoined by the millennials, and it means “to do grown-up things and hold responsibilities, and not cry about it in public – only in the shower”.

Kids have it so easy – they have shows like Sesame Street providing them solid life lessons. I would kill to have a giant-ass yellow bird providing me guidance through song and dance.

Well fear not, my quivering, lost youngling – I will be your feathered creature today. I am here to teach you how to adult!

Tips on How to “Adult”:

  1. Organize your shit – if your bedroom is a colossal mess, you are failing as an adult. Get your ass to HomeGoods and buy some storage boxes.
  2. If you have the hots for someone, ask them on a date like a mature ass adult. Don’t play games or jerk them around – otherwise you will die alone.
  3. Set up a 401K. This is a necessity if you’d like to afford your dentures later on in life. Don’t be that toothless old person who scares little children and puppies/kittens.
  4. Learn how to cook – how do you think it will go over if you serve a date boxed Annie’s Mac and Cheese? Not well, my friend. Make something that requires a skillet, damnit!
  5. Drink responsibly – it’s no longer cute or cool to get trashed. And plus, if you haven’t noticed, hangovers are now a near-death experience.
  6. Don’t constantly vent/rant to others. Newsflash: nobody gives a shit about all your problems, because they’re dealing with their own. Don’t torture someone by unloading all your troubles on them. Go to a therapist – they’re paid to listen!
  7. Don’t wear sweatpants in public – like, we are not hooligans, okay? It’s only acceptable if you’re making a quick supermarket run to pick up some Ben and Jerry’s, or if you’re trying to communicate to people, “if you talk to me I will literally end you”.

And there you have it! Follow these tips, and you’ll be a bomb ass adult in no time.