How to Be an Adult

To “adult” is a new verb kid adultcoined by the millennials, and it means “to do grown-up things and hold responsibilities, and not cry about it in public – only in the shower”.

Kids have it so easy – they have shows like Sesame Street providing them solid life lessons. I would kill to have a giant-ass yellow bird providing me guidance through song and dance.

Well fear not, my quivering, lost youngling – I will be your feathered creature today. I am here to teach you how to adult!

Tips on How to “Adult”:

  1. Organize your shit – if your bedroom is a colossal mess, you are failing as an adult. Get your ass to HomeGoods and buy some storage boxes.
  2. If you have the hots for someone, ask them on a date like a mature ass adult. Don’t play games or jerk them around – otherwise you will die alone.
  3. Set up a 401K. This is a necessity if you’d like to afford your dentures later on in life. Don’t be that toothless old person who scares little children and puppies/kittens.
  4. Learn how to cook – how do you think it will go over if you serve a date boxed Annie’s Mac and Cheese? Not well, my friend. Make something that requires a skillet, damnit!
  5. Drink responsibly – it’s no longer cute or cool to get trashed. And plus, if you haven’t noticed, hangovers are now a near-death experience.
  6. Don’t constantly vent/rant to others. Newsflash: nobody gives a shit about all your problems, because they’re dealing with their own. Don’t torture someone by unloading all your troubles on them. Go to a therapist – they’re paid to listen!
  7. Don’t wear sweatpants in public – like, we are not hooligans, okay? It’s only acceptable if you’re making a quick supermarket run to pick up some Ben and Jerry’s, or if you’re trying to communicate to people, “if you talk to me I will literally end you”.

And there you have it! Follow these tips, and you’ll be a bomb ass adult in no time.

🙂

90’s Throwback: Shania Twain

Shania_Twain_-_Come_on_Over.pngOne of the first CD’s I ever owned was Shania Twain’s “Come on Over”. Shania quickly became my hero, and since we both had long brown hair, I convinced myself that I was practically her TWIN!

As a young lass I would don dark red lipstick – the same shade she wore on her CD cover – and blast her songs. I stood in front of my full length mirror and lip-synced the lyrics. I imagined that thousands of fans were in front of me, cheering me on.

To this day, when I’m feeling nostalgic and want to get pumped up, I listen to Shania Twain. Below are some of my favorite songs of hers:

Man! I Feel Like A Woman!

“The best thing about being a woman \ is the prerogative to have a little fun”

 

That Don’t Impress Me Much

“Oh-oo-oh, you think you’re special \ Oh-oo-oh you think you’re something else”

 

Don’t Be Stupid (You Know I Love You)

“Don’t freak out until you know the facts \ Relax”

 

Honey, I’m Home

“This job ain’t worth the pay \ Can’t wait ’til the end of the day \ Honey, I’m on my way”

 

Black Eyes, Blue Tears

“Black eyes – I don’t need em \ Blue tears – gimme freedom”

 

From This Moment On

“Right beside you is where I belong \ From this moment on”

 

Oh Shania, you fairy goddess, you! 🙂

Why You Should Root for the Broncos, According to Grace (Sports Enthusiast)

Seeing as I’m an unabashed NY Giants fan, you’re probably surprised to hear that I was rooting for the Patriots in the AFC championship game yesterday.

This was not the result of a psychotic break, as one may assume. Nay – I wanted the Pats to win so that I could watch them LOSE in the Superbowl.

I know, I’m a monster.

But alas, New England lost. And while it was a close game, the Broncos undoubtedly deserved the win. From the start of the game, they outplayed the Patriots.

And now I will be rooting for Denver in Superbowl 50. And so should you, for the following reasons:

  1. Payton Manning is the brother of my homeboy and NY Giants Quarterback, Eli Manning.
  2. Their jersey color (Orange) is the best kind of juice there is.
  3. They are from Denver, Colorado – an awesome city in a ballin, liberal state.
  4. A Bronco is an “untrained horse or one that habitually bucks”, according to Wikipedia. This is significantly more bad-ass than a panther, which is essentially an overlarge, pissed-off kitty cat.
  5. Wide receiver Emmanuel Sanders has the same last name as presidential candidate, Bernie Sanders.broncos

I know all of you Patriots fans are probably hating on me right now for this post, but I sincerely hope that the highly convincing reasons I’ve laid out above have swayed you to support the Broncos on Feb. 7th.

GO PAYTON! GO DENVER! GO BUCKIN’ BRONCOS!

Recipes for Lobstah Lovahs

MV5BMzIyNTQyMDQyNl5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwMzQ2MjU1NjE@._V1_UX99_CR0,0,99,99_AL_If you’re cooking dinner for a hot date, and you’re really looking to impress, I suggest making a dish with lobster in it. For example, when Rupert Friend (who stars in Homeland) finally responds to my date request on Twitter, I am going to cook him lobster ravioli in a tomato cream sauce. And then we will get married.

Despite the fact that lobsters are creepy-looking creatures and a live one could probably claw you to death if it so desired, they are freaking delicious. You simply haven’t lived until you’ve attended a Maine lobster bake. Eating a whole lobster right out of the shell is the most badass way to consume it (in my opinion), however there are various other ways to incorporate it into your meal.

(To access the recipe, click on the photo)


Lobster Mac and Cheese3840e55f42433b3f4ee8f2945572064d.jpg

You have to prepare yourself emotionally for this decadent dish. Mac and Cheese is the ultimate comfort food on its own – but when you add chunks of lobster and buttered breadcrumbs on top and bake it in the oven, it becomes almost TOO good. One bite of this deliciousness will bring a tear to your eye, I swear.


Spaghetti with Lobster Fra Diavolo Saucelobsterofthedevil1_wm-1.jpg

A Fra Diavolo sauce is a spicy tomato sauce. You can add any type of seafood to it, but lobster is the best. This recipe calls for red pepper flakes to add some heat. But if you like your food extra spicy, I’d recommend making it with diced jalapeños. Put the sauce on top of spaghetti or linguini, and you’ve got yourself a damn delicious dinner.


New England Lobster RollLobster_roll_1.jpg

The lobster roll is a classic. If you live in New England and you’ve never had a lobster roll, then I assume you are highly allergic to lobster. Typically the lobster roll is made with mayo. However, if you’re not a fan of that, then I’d suggest trying the Connecticut-style lobster roll, which is made sans mayo. I know it’s incredibly good because anything that comes out of my home state of Connecticut is impeccable.


Lobster-Bisque-3-427x640.jpgLobster Bisque

Nothing warms the heart and soul like soup, especially lobster bisque. It is creamy and tasty, and even better if made in the slow cooker. The dash of cayenne pepper gives it a subtle kick. The recipe calls for two cups of dry, white wine, which also pairs well with the soup itself – so it gives you a nice excuse to have a glass of Chardonnay!


Lobster Caesar Saladi-MtTpSQS-L.jpg

Looking for a healthy option? Then lobster caesar salad is a great choice. The lobster meat not only makes it filling, but it pairs well with the dressing and the crunchy lettuce. The one time I’ve had this was up in Maine and the lobster was crazy fresh. I still dream about that salad!


Lobster and Brown Rice Risottolobster-risotto_detail.jpg

Not only does this recipe call for lobster, but it calls for shrimp and scallops as well. As a result, I have nicknamed this dish the “Seafood Delight Straight From Heaven”. Besides the lobster, shrimp, and scallops, there are very few ingredients, and this dish is incredibly easy to make. Definitely a winner!


Lobster, Spinach, and Bacon PizzaBrown-Butter-Lobster-and-Spinach-Pizza-with-Bacon-+-Fontina.-81.jpg

The blend of cheddar, fontina, and parmesan cheeses make this quite the gourmet pizza. There’s no need for any sauce – the lobster, spinach, bacon and sun-dried tomato toppings are enough. The recipe provides instructions on making the dough, but I find it easier to just buy a dough at the grocery store.


 Enjoy 😀

The Pains of being a NY Giants Fan in Boston

imgresOn a daily basis, I deal with the struggle of being a New York Giants fan living in Boston. Few are aware of the turmoil associated with this, and as the Patriots get closer to playing in yet another Superbowl, I feel I must share my harrowing experiences with the world.

Patriots fans worship Tom Brady with a passion that concerns me. For example, every time I remind a Pats fan that Tom Brady stole Giselle Bundchen from Leo DiCaprio (a shameful, petty crime), they get a disturbing look in their eyes. Imagine a deranged mutant squirrel who just had his winter nuts stolen – that’s the kind of crazed look I see on their face. I worry about being attacked, and it’s the primary reason I carry pepper spray.

And of course, they have horrible things to say about my Eli Manning. And sure, he has the
body type of a string bean, but he’s a damn good quarterback!

Yet another reason why being a NY Giants fan in Boston is such a hardship is because of the wardrobe implications it has. I have several pieces of NYG regalia, all of which I cannot wear outside of my apartment. One time I was feeling incredibly brave, and I wore my Giants sweatshirt 20141018_mje_se2_099.jpg.0.0.jpgout to the grocery store. I SWEAR the cashier purposely charged me double for my Lucky Charms. Oh, the injustice….

So, now that all you Patriots fans are more keenly aware of the tribulations I experience as a Giants fan, I hope you show me greater respect as we head towards Superbowl 50.

 

Your Burning Online Dating Questions Answered

tinderI have a co-worker who loves the dating site Hinge. I’m constantly asking him if he’s met any cute girls on “Unhinged” lately, purposely changing the name to be a wise ass.

Young people have become obsessed with online dating, and the sheer number of sites and apps available reflects it.

I, myself, am a victim of this phenomenon. I have used both OkCupid and Tinder. The reality is that online dating  does widen the dating pool, though it does not guarantee more compatible matches than those who you meet in “real life”.

In case you, reader, are contemplating online dating, I have provided answers to several hypothetical questions below. I hope you find it as beneficial as an issue of Consumer Reports.

Q: What should I put in my profile?

A: Make your written profile relatively short and to the point. Most importantly, make sure it reflects your personality. Avoid bragging – nobody cares that your step-uncle is Justin Beiber’s mother’s psychiatrist. And in regards to your pictures: NO nudity, you trashy scalliwag!

Q: Will I get hit on by creeps?

A: Unfortunately, yes – especially if you use a site like OKCupid, where anyone can message you. But you can also turn it into a really great social experiment by reading over DudeBrooo69’s profile and hypothesizing where his parents went wrong.

Q: Am I likely to meet a decent person?

A: Yeah, odds are you’ll start up a conversation with someone who meets all your criteria: an employed, socially-skilled lad or lass with no criminal history who doesn’t still sleep with a teddy bear.

Q: What if I’m talking with 3 people at once, and they all ask me out for the same weekend. What do I do?

A: Take a cold shower cause you are HOT SHIT my friend!!

Q: What if I realize I’m not interested after some ongoing messaging?

A: Be an adult and ghost them.


 

Want further (more serious) information? Read this article on the impact of online dating on relationships!

🙂

 

I’m the Brunette Amy Schumer

I make sure to remind my co-workers several times a week that I’m the brunette Amy Schumer (it’s important they remember who the comedian of the group is).

They always raise their eyebrows and say, “Grace, did you seriously just compare yourself to Amy Schumer?”

“Yes,” I say. “You guys laugh at my jokes literally every day.”

“We don’t laugh at your jokes,” insists Elliot. “We laugh at you.”

“Tomato-Tomahto” I reply.

Amy Schumer is one cool chick and her raunchy and hilarious Comedy Central show nearly completes my life. Below are some of my favorite sketches from “Inside Amy Schumer”. If you’re at all fond of humor, entertainment, and enjoyment, I recommend you take some time out of your day to watch:

Publicity Stunt

Amy tries to boost her image by going to prom with a teenager who is disabled, but her plan hits a snag when it turns out that he already has a date.

Third Date

Amy grapples with her dining partner’s big disclosure during a date.

My Dream Breakup

Amy works with a professional to make sure that dumping her boyfriend is a moment she’ll remember forever.

 

I hope you are laughing your butt off!!

😛

Boozy Food is the Best Food

I’ve made an epic discovery, people: booze and beer are not JUST for drinking. They are for cooking too! Below are some of my favorite recipes that are punched up with some type of alcohol. Click on the photo to open up a link with the recipe.

Now get cooking, you crazy boozebag!!!

Jack Daniels Crock Pot Pulled Pork Sandwich

pulled-pork-sandwich-2.jpg

Penne a la Vodka

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Rum Cake

Rum-Cake-From-Scratch-3-1.jpg

Whiskey Wings

whiskey-wing-baked.jpg

Bourbon and Bacon Mac and Cheese

Bourbon-Bacon-Mac-and-Cheese-Zoom-3.jpg

Boston Lager Chili

cowboy-beef-boston-lager-chili--en--7aecdc3c-2493-40da-a855-5f603ae1c538.jpg

Shrimp Scampi

shrimp-scampi-vertical-a-600.jpg

Seafood Stuffed Shells in Sherry Cream Sauce

Seafood-stuffed-shells-5.jpg

Enjoy! 🙂

Things We All Do When We Have a Crush

Let’s admit it – we all get a little “cray-cray” when we’re crushing on someone, amirite?

cute guy alert

My homegirl and hopefully someday life coach, Mindy Kaling, once tweeted out:

Screen Shot 2016-01-06 at 8.01.01 PM.png

24-year-old me immediately re-tweeted – YES, Mindy girl, you get me! About two years later I’ve learned that that’s not the wisest approach. But still, I’ve got my crazy tendencies when I’m crushing on a cutie, as do we all.

For example:

1) You online stalk them

Grace: So just as an FYI, I love to fish just like you do!

Cutie: Nice, but how did you know I enjoy fishing?

Grace: Um…I have to pee, byeeee! *runs away*

2) You attempt to “accidentally” run into them

Grace: *wearing shirt that says ‘Fate’ on it in glitter*

Cutie: It’s funny we run into each other at this very spot at the same exact time every Wednesday!

Grace: I know, right? Coincidence! Hehe.

3) You buy cute new clothes to wear around them

Cutie: I like your ballgown, is it new?

Grace: Oh my god, this old thang? No, I dress like this all the time *twirls*

4) You attempt to be hilarious

Cutie: Jane didn’t know about the government shutdown, can you believe it?

Grace: Jane, that ignorant slut!

Cutie: Uh, what?

Grace: SNL, duh *flips hair*

5) You try to be incredibly interesting

Cutie: What did you do this weekend?

Grace: I nursed a sick panda back to health. You?

Take note that these do not apply to Beyonce or Johnny Depp, who are both perfect humans and literally always cool. But for the rest of us, we can’t help but get a little nutty when we’re hot for a honey 🙂

jessica day

A Critique of my Childhood Poems

I’ve always loved to write, and it’s how I best express my thoughts. Displayed below are eloquent poems I wrote in elementary school, titled “Cookies”, “The Thing I Hate Most”, and “A Good Person”. Included is a response to each of these thought-provoking pieces of writing.

Poem #1: Cookies

IMG_0023

This poem speaks volumes regarding certain social issues. For example, the lines “Yummy, lot’s of kinds/different shapes” stresses the importance of respecting diversity in our society. In addition, the line “Give them to Santa” encourages providing for the less fortunate. Malloy establishes herself as a diehard liberal with this piece of work.

Poem #2: The Thing I Hate Most

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This deep, slightly dark poem is a reflection of Malloy’s views on karma. She’s insistent that if you brag about your cool clothes or how many pets you have, you will feel the wrath of the undead. She also includes a particularly demonic illustration of a ghost. For this reason, this poem has been banned from several elementary schools – something that Malloy considers to be a violation of the Constitution.

Poem #3: A Good Person

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“A Good Person” nearly won Malloy the Nobel Peace Prize. This wildly popular poem is used by parents to encourage good behavior in their children. It has also been quoted in several presidential speeches during times of violence and national distress. As a result, Malloy has become an iconic figure in the fight for world peace.


 

What can I say, I was born a literary genius 😛