Your Burning Online Dating Questions Answered

tinderI have a co-worker who loves the dating site Hinge. I’m constantly asking him if he’s met any cute girls on “Unhinged” lately, purposely changing the name to be a wise ass.

Young people have become obsessed with online dating, and the sheer number of sites and apps available reflects it.

I, myself, am a victim of this phenomenon. I have used both OkCupid and Tinder. The reality is that online dating  does widen the dating pool, though it does not guarantee more compatible matches than those who you meet in “real life”.

In case you, reader, are contemplating online dating, I have provided answers to several hypothetical questions below. I hope you find it as beneficial as an issue of Consumer Reports.

Q: What should I put in my profile?

A: Make your written profile relatively short and to the point. Most importantly, make sure it reflects your personality. Avoid bragging – nobody cares that your step-uncle is Justin Beiber’s mother’s psychiatrist. And in regards to your pictures: NO nudity, you trashy scalliwag!

Q: Will I get hit on by creeps?

A: Unfortunately, yes – especially if you use a site like OKCupid, where anyone can message you. But you can also turn it into a really great social experiment by reading over DudeBrooo69’s profile and hypothesizing where his parents went wrong.

Q: Am I likely to meet a decent person?

A: Yeah, odds are you’ll start up a conversation with someone who meets all your criteria: an employed, socially-skilled lad or lass with no criminal history who doesn’t still sleep with a teddy bear.

Q: What if I’m talking with 3 people at once, and they all ask me out for the same weekend. What do I do?

A: Take a cold shower cause you are HOT SHIT my friend!!

Q: What if I realize I’m not interested after some ongoing messaging?

A: Be an adult and ghost them.


 

Want further (more serious) information? Read this article on the impact of online dating on relationships!

🙂

 

Things We All Do When We Have a Crush

Let’s admit it – we all get a little “cray-cray” when we’re crushing on someone, amirite?

cute guy alert

My homegirl and hopefully someday life coach, Mindy Kaling, once tweeted out:

Screen Shot 2016-01-06 at 8.01.01 PM.png

24-year-old me immediately re-tweeted – YES, Mindy girl, you get me! About two years later I’ve learned that that’s not the wisest approach. But still, I’ve got my crazy tendencies when I’m crushing on a cutie, as do we all.

For example:

1) You online stalk them

Grace: So just as an FYI, I love to fish just like you do!

Cutie: Nice, but how did you know I enjoy fishing?

Grace: Um…I have to pee, byeeee! *runs away*

2) You attempt to “accidentally” run into them

Grace: *wearing shirt that says ‘Fate’ on it in glitter*

Cutie: It’s funny we run into each other at this very spot at the same exact time every Wednesday!

Grace: I know, right? Coincidence! Hehe.

3) You buy cute new clothes to wear around them

Cutie: I like your ballgown, is it new?

Grace: Oh my god, this old thang? No, I dress like this all the time *twirls*

4) You attempt to be hilarious

Cutie: Jane didn’t know about the government shutdown, can you believe it?

Grace: Jane, that ignorant slut!

Cutie: Uh, what?

Grace: SNL, duh *flips hair*

5) You try to be incredibly interesting

Cutie: What did you do this weekend?

Grace: I nursed a sick panda back to health. You?

Take note that these do not apply to Beyonce or Johnny Depp, who are both perfect humans and literally always cool. But for the rest of us, we can’t help but get a little nutty when we’re hot for a honey 🙂

jessica day

The best and worst of online dating

A few weeks ago I got dinner with a very close friend of mine and her new boyfriend. I’ve seen her date a number of different guys, but I had never seen her click with someone quite as much as with this new boy toy of hers.

I come to find out, they met through online dating. Now, I’ve never been against online dating, but I  never thought it was for me. On the way back from dinner, though, my roommate, who had been with us, convinced me to create a profile. I had had a couple drinks, so I went along with it.

TURNS OUT, online dating is wicked fun! First off, it combines two of my favorite things: online shopping and guys. Yes, you literally get to scroll through so many different profiles. And you can be as picky as you want, all behind the safety of a computer screen.

Not hot enough…next! Too artsy…next! Can’t spell basic words…next!

miranda priestly

And of course, there is your own profile – you get to brag about how awesome you are and answer tons of questions about yourself. It’s a self-absorbed person’s dream come true!

And finally, it’s major confidence boost. You can see everyone who visits your profile, who gives you 4 or 5 stars, and obviously who messages you. I know this is bragging, but I’ve gotten a lot of messages. And it makes me feel like this:

Damn right...

Damn right I’m hot…

…but more like the woman version.

I am not going to say whether I’ve actually gone out on any dates – maybe I have, maybe I haven’t. That part I’m going to keep personal. I promise though, if I meet the love of my life, I will inform all of you. To be honest, I don’t expect that. I’m not taking it really seriously, because ultimately, it’s just another form of social media, and should not be depended on or used as a substitute.

But I must say, it’s fun, and kind of addicting, so if you’re single, give it a try.

leslie and ann

The Pros and Cons of dating a bartender

No, I am not dating a bartender. I’ll clear that up right away. Yes, there was Mike the Bartender, who I met a while back at Tommy Doyle’s. It didn’t amount to anything…no harm, no foul. But I did get some insight into the pros and cons of dating a bartender.bartender So if you’re wondering…

Bartenders are held in high esteem by most of society. This is due to their magical drink-making abilities. Do you watch in awe as they use that shakey-thing to make your drinks which require shakey-things? I sure do. This is one pro to dating a bartender – you can brag about how you’re dating a bartender. Does he let you use the shakey-thing, everyone will ask with utmost curiosity.

Bartenders are always friendly as well. You can count on them to laugh at your drunk jokes (partly because they want a big tip). And if you are dating the bartender, he will surely give you two limes instead of one. This is the perk of all perks, if you ask me.

Bartenders can also put your drinks on something called a “promo tab”, which means you won’t be paying for those vodka sodas. If he’s a real man, he should be paying for them out of his own pocket, but I suppose we’ll overlook that.

It’s not all glitter and sparkles when dating a bartender, though. Often they have another job besides bartending, which means they literally have no time for you. They are usually working weekend nights too – a major bummer. And finally, you know they are silently judging you if you order a Bud Light. You just know.

What is a date?

When you’re in college, you don’t really date. Maybe you get a meal in the dining hall together, but that’s as close to dating as you’d get. So then you graduate, enter the real world, and just like that, hitting a frat party together just isn’t going to cut it.

So this brings up the age old question, what qualifies a date? Does it have to be dinner? Does the person who asked have to pay? Does it have to be a weekend night?

The whole dating thing, and what is and isn’t a date, is a royal pain in the ass if you ask me. I don’t have the time to figure out if a guy is interested/wants to date. I have to pay rent and go to the gym and keep up with the latest fashions. Seriously, how am I supposed to keep up with painting my fashion nails before the polish starts to chip if I’m too busy analyzing every text?

There are certainly do’s and dont’s to dating. But ultimately, if you’re compatible, it’ll work out. It won’t matter who paid or what day of the week it was or what you did.

Let’s take Jim and Pam, for example. In season 2, they have dinner together on the roof of Dunder Mifflin. Jim jokingly refers to it as a date and Pam freaks out, because she’s engaged. And Jim says to the camera:

"It's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiance"

“It’s not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiance”

Oh, honey…it was SO a date. And it’s because Jim and Pam had the hots for each other, and they had a great time on that roof. Jim was witty as hell and Pam was all smiles. And that’s all it takes.

 

How I Met Your Father

himym childrenOne day I will sit my angelic, perfectly well-behaved children down and say, kids….this is the story of how I met your father. If I’ve done things right, it’s not going to be especially exciting. Because successful relationships are nothing like what you see on TV. If the story sounds dysfunctional…it is.

The following are a few things that you DO NOT want to be telling your children one day (these are purely fictional, and not based on true events):

  1. Kids, the year was 2013 and I was at a kegger. There was your father, shotgunning his 10th beer.
  2. And then kids, your father did a brief stint in jail.
  3. Kids, your father then told me that Tom Brady was his hero.
  4. Kids, the year was 2013 and your father and I broke up for the 6th time.
  5. And then kids, I gave your father an ultimatum. It was either me or World of Warcraft.
  6. Kids, your father and I started off as friends with benefits.
  7. And then kids, your father told me he hated Jonathan Papelbon.
  8. Kids, the year was 2013, and your father told me he was looking for something “more casual”.
  9. And then kids, your father bought us tickets to a Justin Beiber concert.
  10. Kids, your father was a Dude Bro.

This is not to say that it should be a fairy tale. But if at any point you find yourself in this situation…

How-I-Met-Your-Mother1

… and there’s enough drama to fill up 9 seasons, then re-evaluating the relationship is probably a solid idea.

😛

Helpful dating tips for those who liken dating to torture

Let me tell ya, single people…it’s a shark tank out there. And while I am no expert in dating, I have a few tips to offer up:

  • Get rid of the checklist – If you have chemistry with someone, give it a chance, even if they don’t fit your list for the perfect person. Keep on open mind. BUT….
  • Don’t date co-workers – Sure, it works out just fine in Grey’s Anatomy. But in reality, you’ll reach the inevitable fallout, and any and all interactions will be so painfully awkward.

anchorman

  • You are not the exception – I learned this valuable tip from the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You”. If the person is treating you like they don’t care….they genuinely don’t care. If someone wants you, they will make that clear, no exceptions. So don’t waste time chasing someone who just isn’t into it. DO NOT be this girl:
  • No second chances – If it didn’t work out the first time, there is a reason. I recommend writing your future self a letter, describing why things will never work:

“He is messy and a Yankees fan”

I question the mental stability of anyone who openly supports the Bills”

He is lazy, afraid of commitment, and sounds Canadian”

“The street parking around his apartment is so inconvenient”

He’s a rock climber who will just be climbing up shit all the time”

  • Learn your lesson – When it doesn’t work out, think about what you’ll do differently next time. Don’t make the same mistakes again. In the wise words of Michael Scott, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…strike three”.
  • Have fun! – It doesn’t need to be a drama show. Try new things and be yourself. If it works out, great. If not, well, go through these tips again.

Now go get em.